Wishful Thinking

Busy tahap cipan. Last week, aku pergi kerja 2 hari jek. So this week, I’m totally swamped! I’m easily tired. But still, datang ilham nak maen masak2.

So many things happened and I still don’t have the chance to put up my feet and just chill. Maybe I don’t want that chance. Maybe I intentionally without fully realizing it, kept myself busy so that I don’t have to think bout things that has been engulfing me and those around me for quite some times. Maybe I don’t wanna know. But, it would be so much better if we all can just sit down and talk and clear things out and stop pretending!

Haih.. Wishful thinking.

Aku dan Kawan

Tingkatan 4 Farabi... I was a new comer. First subject was English. And as my luck would hev it, I was the first to do public speaking. Hmmm…

‘Hi, I’m Cipan Cute. I’m new. Sila beri tunjuk ajar’

Haha..cam orang Jepun lak..Public speaking cakap Bahasa Penjajah la dol! OK. That’s beside the point. These guys had been together since Form 1. so they are pretty tight. Amalan Assabiyah masih kukuh di benak masing2. So, aku yang baru ni terkapai2 la until that moment. There was a girl, Barbie (Sumpah! Die macam Barbie, cume die rendah and very voluptious!) in that class. Anak dara somebody in government la. Quite fofuler! She saw me Speaking Bahasa Penjajah tersebut and decided she could be friends with me (erk?? die sendiri told me ok tho aku rase that was shallow!). Cian lak kawan aku yg newcomer yg kureng mahir berbahasa asing itu, lambat dapat kawan. Come to think of it, kejam dak2 sekolah ni kan? Well, back to the story. So, she started talking to me and got to know me. What I still remember quite vividly in mind was the day we were talking bout makeup and she told me her fave and I said I like Guerlain. And she was like;

‘Eh, I never thought anyone here would know bout Guerlain! Gurl, you quite cool eh’

And I was thinking to myself;

‘It’s just a brand, why such a fuss??’

From then, we were quite close. Because we were at the same level to a certain point. Got a lot in common. She wasnt quite the shallow gal I thought her to be. Jahat lak aku rase time tu...huhu... She is sweet. Intelligent. And we clicked instantly. Hey, jalan balik hostel pon pegang2 tangan. Haha… 1st time in my life. I liked her a lot! Hell, I loved her! We shared secrets and stuffs. Damn! I miss her siot!

Then in Form 5, I don’t know what went wrong, but we drifted apart. As I said, clicked but to a certain level. And that certain level was reached. I can’t ignore the way she feels about those guys yang admittedly xsememeh. Aku pon rase dorg xsememeh, but that is not an excuse to look down on them. And maybe she felt betrayed coz didn’t support her enough. Maybe...Maybe...What if...What if.... hmm... Wish I could make up for all the wrongs I've done. Sampai masuk matrik pon aku still thinking bout all these. It was so...hmmmm....unnecessary i guess. We could hev avoided it. But the fact stands.

Back to the story... Things got complicated. Until our classmate, Wary, asked me n Barbie to stay back after class and talk and be honest. We did and the problem was aired in open and we understood each other motives. It was a good thing we decided to agree with Wary coz things were clouded, blurry, with lots of talking behind, backstabbing, batu api oleh other classmates yg quite jealous with us. We forgive and forget. But things were never the same again. No matter how hard I tried to act normal, I just couldn’t pretend! But I ached for her and she for me. She even wrote me a letter to get back the way we used to be but…BUT… just through letters! I was sooo frustrated and felt so betrayed! Dalam surat jek? Ape kejadah! Alahai…macam budak2 lak kan. Hehe…

But I know I did things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to. And she too had her share of blames. But we were young then, and we grew up to be different person. Our mind matured in different ways. Our values changed. Yes I was hard to go our own way. To be so close and yet so far.

Guess that’s why I never had a bestfriend since then.

...and I don’t believe in 1 either.

1 Litre of Tears

Off yesterday. Dunno why I apply for leave. I just felt like, I’ve had enough. I need a break. I need to break away from the Monday routine; like holding my breath everything I heard Mr. Kongkiak mentioned AFC or Celestial, or the rush of blood going up to my brain at a dizzying speed everytime the phone displays PARS-Regional Playout (tho the engineers there are cute but still…..) I’m soo bored and tensed. How come a person is bored and tense @ the same time I have no idea but that’s the way I feel. 2 years is getting far too much for me… it’s getting on my nerves. Aku taknak la sampai dapat nervous breakdown sebab keje. Dah la kerja yang tak memberi manfaat kepada umah manusia kecuali kawan2 aku yg suke tengok The Naked Chef (especially yang GAY!)… huhu tapi Jamie Oliver memang hot pon. What the heck am I babbling about…

Sedang aku berperasaan demikian, aku menonton 1 Litre of Tears ( Ichi Rittoru no Namida ) at Celestial Movies (can’t remember what channel it was tho I’m handling that channel….buduh) . I’ve watched this movie before. 3 years back I think. Memang berliter2 air mata aku keluar tengok cite ni… It is a heart wrenching, heartrending, tear jerking, poignant story about a girl Aya Kitou, fighting a degenerative disease. The movie was based on her diary, which was published after her death. It just got me thinking, if a person like that can still keep on fighting, how come a healthy kembang-mekar-harum-subur-di-hati like me can’t stop whining and complaining and wallowing in self-pity evertime something went wrong?

Kite sentiasa down bile dibenggu masalah cinta, masalah kewangan, family problems, pain in the arse bosses and so forth, but we still have the chance to make amend, to fight and control our life. It’s not like we are dying, fighting for our very own existence, fighting the unseen disease that’s eating away our nerves and bodily function. It’s not like 1 day we went to bed only to wake up the next morning with our legs unable to move, and then the next day it is hard for us to utter a single syllable…

In her diary, Aya wrote;

‘I wonder where happiness is.I wonder what happiness is.’

‘Why can't I laugh naturally like I used to? I want to go back to the past!I wanna make a time machine and ride it to go back to the past. Watch myself run, walk, roll around, and play with you... but then I come back to reality.Do I really have to come back to reality?I don't wanna grow up!Time...please stop! Tears...stop falling!’Ahh...Aya just can't seem to stop crying.

‘If it weren’t for this disease, I might even be in love. I want to cling to someone’s arm so badly.’

‘Reality is too cruel, too brutal. I don't even have the right to dream. As I think about the future, the tears will come out again.’

‘I really don't want to say things such as "I want to go back to how things were before". I recognize how I am right now, and I will continue to live on.Even though I have been hurt before by those heartless glares this also helped me to understand that around me, there still exists some gentle glares. Therefore, I definitely won't run away. That's what I'll do. Definitely. Always.’

‘Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing.’

Berjurai2 air mataku jatuh mengalir. Membawa keinsafan yang kadang-kadang payah untuk menebusi kepala batuku ini. So looking at her struggles, my problems seem to be so miniscule….

Kita yang boleh bercinta, sia-siakan cinta. Tercari2 yang lebih baik. Tak pernah cukup kan. Sedangkan ada manusia di luar sana yang hidup sendirian, tiada berteman. Teridam-idamkan teman bersama di kala senang dan susah, tawa dan duka.

Life is full with problems and hardships. We struggle constantly. Sometimes we win but other times; life gets the better of us. There’s only so much we can do. Other than that, let nature take its course.

Hidup penuh ranjau…tapi sekurang-kurangnya kita masih hidup bukan!

Do U Know Where U r Goin' To?

Finally...i've done it...my own blog...hmm..What do people write in their blog eh?not really fond of bloggin' but what the hell...

Actually, lately i've been melancholic...thinking of the future...

"Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for?

When you look behind you there's no open door

What are you hoping for?Do you know?"

The path that i've chosen wasn't easy...But then, life offers us two paths to choose from. 1 is the easy way. But its reward is just that it’s easy….that’s all…so I shouldn’t feel any regret la kan? Huhu…tp bak kata Sinatra…

‘Regrets I had a few but then again too few to mention.
I did what I had to do and saw it thru without exemption’

Thinking back, there are a few things that I would want to do a bit differently…put more energy into it, more enthusiasm. But then again, it’s done and over with…I’ve made my bed now I have to sleep on it….no use cryin’ over spilt milk…huhuhu

Actually it’s good to look back n analyze the things that happened to us…kite muhasabah diri…then only we can learn from our mistakes….hidup memang payah…tp tak bermakna kita perlu give up kan…maybe…just maybe, there’s something wonderful waiting for us somewhere in the future kan? Hahaha…that’s what I’ve been telling myself all thru the darkest times of my life…That’s the trick. It’s hard but hard things yield the sweetest gift! We have to believe.


Lagipun Allah tidak akan menguji di luar batas kemampuan hamba-Nya….now, that a worthy point to ponder….hmmmm