Wishful Thinking

Busy tahap cipan. Last week, aku pergi kerja 2 hari jek. So this week, I’m totally swamped! I’m easily tired. But still, datang ilham nak maen masak2.

So many things happened and I still don’t have the chance to put up my feet and just chill. Maybe I don’t want that chance. Maybe I intentionally without fully realizing it, kept myself busy so that I don’t have to think bout things that has been engulfing me and those around me for quite some times. Maybe I don’t wanna know. But, it would be so much better if we all can just sit down and talk and clear things out and stop pretending!

Haih.. Wishful thinking.

Aku dan Kawan

Tingkatan 4 Farabi... I was a new comer. First subject was English. And as my luck would hev it, I was the first to do public speaking. Hmmm…

‘Hi, I’m Cipan Cute. I’m new. Sila beri tunjuk ajar’

Haha..cam orang Jepun lak..Public speaking cakap Bahasa Penjajah la dol! OK. That’s beside the point. These guys had been together since Form 1. so they are pretty tight. Amalan Assabiyah masih kukuh di benak masing2. So, aku yang baru ni terkapai2 la until that moment. There was a girl, Barbie (Sumpah! Die macam Barbie, cume die rendah and very voluptious!) in that class. Anak dara somebody in government la. Quite fofuler! She saw me Speaking Bahasa Penjajah tersebut and decided she could be friends with me (erk?? die sendiri told me ok tho aku rase that was shallow!). Cian lak kawan aku yg newcomer yg kureng mahir berbahasa asing itu, lambat dapat kawan. Come to think of it, kejam dak2 sekolah ni kan? Well, back to the story. So, she started talking to me and got to know me. What I still remember quite vividly in mind was the day we were talking bout makeup and she told me her fave and I said I like Guerlain. And she was like;

‘Eh, I never thought anyone here would know bout Guerlain! Gurl, you quite cool eh’

And I was thinking to myself;

‘It’s just a brand, why such a fuss??’

From then, we were quite close. Because we were at the same level to a certain point. Got a lot in common. She wasnt quite the shallow gal I thought her to be. Jahat lak aku rase time tu...huhu... She is sweet. Intelligent. And we clicked instantly. Hey, jalan balik hostel pon pegang2 tangan. Haha… 1st time in my life. I liked her a lot! Hell, I loved her! We shared secrets and stuffs. Damn! I miss her siot!

Then in Form 5, I don’t know what went wrong, but we drifted apart. As I said, clicked but to a certain level. And that certain level was reached. I can’t ignore the way she feels about those guys yang admittedly xsememeh. Aku pon rase dorg xsememeh, but that is not an excuse to look down on them. And maybe she felt betrayed coz didn’t support her enough. Maybe...Maybe...What if...What if.... hmm... Wish I could make up for all the wrongs I've done. Sampai masuk matrik pon aku still thinking bout all these. It was so...hmmmm....unnecessary i guess. We could hev avoided it. But the fact stands.

Back to the story... Things got complicated. Until our classmate, Wary, asked me n Barbie to stay back after class and talk and be honest. We did and the problem was aired in open and we understood each other motives. It was a good thing we decided to agree with Wary coz things were clouded, blurry, with lots of talking behind, backstabbing, batu api oleh other classmates yg quite jealous with us. We forgive and forget. But things were never the same again. No matter how hard I tried to act normal, I just couldn’t pretend! But I ached for her and she for me. She even wrote me a letter to get back the way we used to be but…BUT… just through letters! I was sooo frustrated and felt so betrayed! Dalam surat jek? Ape kejadah! Alahai…macam budak2 lak kan. Hehe…

But I know I did things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to. And she too had her share of blames. But we were young then, and we grew up to be different person. Our mind matured in different ways. Our values changed. Yes I was hard to go our own way. To be so close and yet so far.

Guess that’s why I never had a bestfriend since then.

...and I don’t believe in 1 either.

One Last Time

I LOVE My Prens!!

Ok. This the last time. M gonna promise to myself I’ll forget everything and move on. Let bygones be bygones. I think I’ve depleted my anger with all the ranting and raving in this space for quite some time now. I just want thing to go back to normal now….It’s the end of the road for all of us so let’s go back and forgive and forget...

Yeah, I know I can’t forget but I’ll try my damnest! I’m not perfect so does everybody. Mahatma Gandhi once said that "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Lagipun aku tetibe teringat lagu ni ketika tengah kusyuk memproses promo AFC and Celestial….

“Buat apa gaduh-gaduh sama kita,

Malaysia kita ini kecik aja,

Kalau semua gaduh sapa nak jaga...”

Another thing is that anger just makes us a prisoner of our own feeling. When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. So we can never really be free until we let go of the demon that constantly trying to chain us in the unbreakable bond hatred and revenge.

Ok. You don’t like the philosophy thingy. So I’ll put this into another perspective that u might relate to;

“ Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” -Oscar Wilde

Hehe…simple yet so very true eh…so its a double-edge sword la….

P/s: Aku taknak gaduh2 dah...nanti lagi la aku cepat tua...huhuhu....Jangan la bagi aku nampak tua..Nanti jatuh la saham aku yang telah sedia rendah ini..Huwaaaa

Point Of No Return (?)

Seriously…I feel like I’ve had it up here (pointing @ my throat) already. The situation is so messed up. Feel the need to get away you know. Start over again with new people, new environment. If I’m feeling this way, what ‘bout those who directly involved eh? How can ya’ all seem so all ok (outwardly lah). Hmm… this is so stupid.

People say that we can’t marry our cousins coz the genetic pool will stay stagnant, no room for new things to pool up, inbreeding and so forth. Same goes to social circle I guess. Stay too close together for quite sometimes we’ll end up being too sluggish and inert. And the important part is, we’ll start getting annoyed with each other. With each and every move we make, it’ll rile up somebody somehow. It just bugs them. Ade je yang tak kena.

Friends Should:

Aristotle once suggested that the traditional idea of friendship has three components:

1. Friends must enjoy each other's company
2. They must be useful to one another
3. They must share a common commitment to the good

So when the first starts failing, the rest of it will be tailing along sooner or later. Then suddenly, when we finally realized what went wrong, it’ll be too late to revive the lost friendship. Yes, we do go our own separate ways someday, but it shouldn’t be on bad term. After all we’ve been thru; it’s a shame to end it up like that…truly a shame lost. But what if we truly reach the point of no return??

“True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.” — Charles Caleb Colton