1 Litre of Tears

Off yesterday. Dunno why I apply for leave. I just felt like, I’ve had enough. I need a break. I need to break away from the Monday routine; like holding my breath everything I heard Mr. Kongkiak mentioned AFC or Celestial, or the rush of blood going up to my brain at a dizzying speed everytime the phone displays PARS-Regional Playout (tho the engineers there are cute but still…..) I’m soo bored and tensed. How come a person is bored and tense @ the same time I have no idea but that’s the way I feel. 2 years is getting far too much for me… it’s getting on my nerves. Aku taknak la sampai dapat nervous breakdown sebab keje. Dah la kerja yang tak memberi manfaat kepada umah manusia kecuali kawan2 aku yg suke tengok The Naked Chef (especially yang GAY!)… huhu tapi Jamie Oliver memang hot pon. What the heck am I babbling about…

Sedang aku berperasaan demikian, aku menonton 1 Litre of Tears ( Ichi Rittoru no Namida ) at Celestial Movies (can’t remember what channel it was tho I’m handling that channel….buduh) . I’ve watched this movie before. 3 years back I think. Memang berliter2 air mata aku keluar tengok cite ni… It is a heart wrenching, heartrending, tear jerking, poignant story about a girl Aya Kitou, fighting a degenerative disease. The movie was based on her diary, which was published after her death. It just got me thinking, if a person like that can still keep on fighting, how come a healthy kembang-mekar-harum-subur-di-hati like me can’t stop whining and complaining and wallowing in self-pity evertime something went wrong?

Kite sentiasa down bile dibenggu masalah cinta, masalah kewangan, family problems, pain in the arse bosses and so forth, but we still have the chance to make amend, to fight and control our life. It’s not like we are dying, fighting for our very own existence, fighting the unseen disease that’s eating away our nerves and bodily function. It’s not like 1 day we went to bed only to wake up the next morning with our legs unable to move, and then the next day it is hard for us to utter a single syllable…

In her diary, Aya wrote;

‘I wonder where happiness is.I wonder what happiness is.’

‘Why can't I laugh naturally like I used to? I want to go back to the past!I wanna make a time machine and ride it to go back to the past. Watch myself run, walk, roll around, and play with you... but then I come back to reality.Do I really have to come back to reality?I don't wanna grow up!Time...please stop! Tears...stop falling!’Ahh...Aya just can't seem to stop crying.

‘If it weren’t for this disease, I might even be in love. I want to cling to someone’s arm so badly.’

‘Reality is too cruel, too brutal. I don't even have the right to dream. As I think about the future, the tears will come out again.’

‘I really don't want to say things such as "I want to go back to how things were before". I recognize how I am right now, and I will continue to live on.Even though I have been hurt before by those heartless glares this also helped me to understand that around me, there still exists some gentle glares. Therefore, I definitely won't run away. That's what I'll do. Definitely. Always.’

‘Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing.’

Berjurai2 air mataku jatuh mengalir. Membawa keinsafan yang kadang-kadang payah untuk menebusi kepala batuku ini. So looking at her struggles, my problems seem to be so miniscule….

Kita yang boleh bercinta, sia-siakan cinta. Tercari2 yang lebih baik. Tak pernah cukup kan. Sedangkan ada manusia di luar sana yang hidup sendirian, tiada berteman. Teridam-idamkan teman bersama di kala senang dan susah, tawa dan duka.

Life is full with problems and hardships. We struggle constantly. Sometimes we win but other times; life gets the better of us. There’s only so much we can do. Other than that, let nature take its course.

Hidup penuh ranjau…tapi sekurang-kurangnya kita masih hidup bukan!